How does a wife deal with the closeness of the women dispatchers with our deputy husbands. They all keep telling me and the other wives they just have a special closeness. My husband has even come very close to having an affair with one of the dispatchers. His morals are all completely different from when he took this job.
It is a sad truth that a police marriage can be one of the casualties of stress police officers face. Divorce rates among police officers are higher than the national average, which is already too high. I have worked with a large number of Police Families that have suffered through an affair. Many have been able to put the marriage back together; some have not.
I have learned some things over the years. Many affairs that a police officer gets involved in have a pattern. The officer does not start out to cheat on his wife, he does not see himself as that of man, and in fact often states that marital infidelity is against his moral code. What happens is an encounter with a woman who seems to express some interest in his job, or some stress he has recently encountered on the job, or even home stress. A conversation ensues that is mutually supportive and friendly. The officer looks back at this conversation without much thought other than how nice it was to be listened to, and a sense that this was a nice person. No activity other than talk, or possible friendship, is considered by either party. However, conversations do take place. With each conversation, more and more information is shared, secrets revealed, and intimacy started. At this point, whether the officer realizes it or not, he is having an "affair of the heart". Since this is draining his energy away from his marital relationship, it is for all intent an affair. What often happens, of course, is that the mind to mind connections established through intimate dialogue progress to physical intimacy. The affair has occurred.
Understanding this pattern may be of help to police wives. A harmful myth I see fostered on police officers either in the academy or during field training is "don't bring your job home with you". While this may be good advice if one is talking about attitudes or anger, it is not good if one interprets it to mean not telling your wife all of the things that go on at work. Yes, even the gory stuff. I have also encountered wives who have out and out told me that they have forbidden their husbands from bringing into their house's tails from the street. Big mistake. Once a limit has been put on dialogue that can be shared with your spouse, a limit has been put on intimacy. Intimacy is nurtured in many ways, not just in the bedroom. Talking probably plays the largest part in establishing and maintaining intimacy. If an officer needs to talk, and he cannot talk with his wife, he will talk to someone else.
What to do about relationships that form between males/females on the job? Well first, as hard as it may be, don't try to forbid it or condemn it. Don't attack him. Closeness and re-connection can never come from anger and accusations. That will likely start a fight and move the relationship underground. You can express your concern and fears and hopefully get more of an idea about the needs this relationship is satisfying in your spouse. You both, officer and spouse, might take a look at this relationship as a potential red flag. Do the two of you spend enough time talking? Do you make sure that you spend time listening to your spouse with the thought that you will just take in what is said without criticizing or advising? Do you separate the business/childcare conversations of day to day life with the more intimate personal discussions that keep two people in contact? They say that marriage is work. I agree. Keeping lines of communication open, keeping it a priority, and keeping out of a rut take work. And it takes two!
Keep in mind that established patterns are harder to break than establishing a healthy style from the start. If you are a newly married police couple reading this, remember the importance of talking. Remember to bring your job home with you, even the bad stuff. In a good marriage, pain as well a pleasure is shared.
I would be interested in hearing from both officers and spouses about how they have handled this situation. I will post your thoughts and suggestions on this page.
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